Anyways.. after seeing more than one set of formerly-inquisitive eyes glaze over, I've come to believe in the importance of summaries.
This month's summary is: "ow". enough said..
.............
It's always been hard to write or talk about myself.. Perhaps you've noticed that I'm a glass-is-half-empty kind of fellow.. I've noticed that the sort of things I am still passionate about just don't seem to interest others. I think we've all noticed the catch 22 of my frustration with my communicating skills tying me in knots and leading to still more frustration with my communicating skills... etc.It all combines to make me shudder internally whenever I hear someone ask some variation of "so ... how's life?."
...
My life -
what a depressing subject. You know it's been hard when just to begin to think about thinking about it feels like flirting with the temptation to despair.To think about writing about it feels like a combination of horror at giving scandal and that aforementioned frustration with participating in an exercise in futility.
Months like this one has been, (which seem to happen to me with disturbing frequency), are the reason I've never stuck with a blog.. or much of anything else for that matter. Who wants to read about brain-tumors, frustration, and self-pity. See, you're depressed/impatient already...
Anyways, this makes brain-tumor # 4, my three and a half year's work on E' has yielded a grand total of 0 consistent visitors (outside of mom :)), my spiritual drought continues, and though I still have some good days, this is getting real old real fast.
Still want more?!
Tumor = 0 Human = 4(,071,389)
Whenever I find myself (and increasingly it's all the time) thinking woe-is-me-I've-had-FOUR-brain-tumors!-thoughts, I try to counter them with the above tally. And it does look all nice and optimistic and one-sided doesn't it?But whatever's in my column at the end the other side will inevitably have its final win with 1. This is really the bottom line here, I'm going be lucky to not die wearing a soiled set of depends.. leaving nothing but a trail of unfinished schemes and hundreds of thousands of dollars in debt.. trapped in a shattered mind.. facing that last temptation to despair on mind melting drugs.
Etherbaffle-
What the hell am I doing here? It becomes increasingly and frustratingly obvious how not-interested other's are, and not-competent I am in this project. After three years I can't even summarize it.. Or let go of it. I thought for a while that I'd get some help and a body of feedback, the buttressing comfort of a few visiting souls getting some kind of use out of even part of it. Nothing.. no one.. in the least..this year's spiritual forecast: continued periods of bitter cold
That first tumor was physically awful, but spiritually it was the happiest time of my life. I felt and knew how close and how merciful God is, it was like the sun's warmth, only deeper and on a mysterious/mental/spiritual plane.. I can barely remember it now, so it just sounds trite, but that's the way it was.Tumor #2 and 3.. not so much.
Now.. remembering without bitterness and acknowledging the existence of that mercy is a series of horrible solitary battles that I'm not sure I really "win". I really don't like to talk about this.. but to feel completely and justly and permanently abandoned and facing months and then an eternity of torment and then to be asked "do you really trust Him?..
still..
God has given me the most wonderful family and home.. Interests that keep me absolutely engrossed, and a time that seems tailor made for pursuing them with some focus.. Good people praying for me with compassion almost 24/7.. Whole torrents of His Grace.. His very self.. And briefest moments when I catch a glimpse of how much faithfullness in this crucible means to him.Oh yes, it's all worthwhile.. even for just one fleeting chance of spitting in the enemies face and being temporarily.. partially.. heroically faithful with and for Him.